Tuesday 14 May 2013

Claustrophobia

"One day baby we'll be old, oh baby we'll be old, think of all the stories that we could have told."

I'm guessing it's inevitable, that i feel the walls are closing in on me again. Suddenly, i am filled with the wave of hysteria and depression of self loathing and hopelessness. The worst part, is that not every wave can be swept away with binging on junk. Unfortunately, food does not always work all the time. and when the strongest waves hit, the only thing left to do is to curl up into a ball and stare ahead, or let it pass along with the cascade of tears, which can no longer be held back. Too much has been kept, and the dam is slowly breaking, one chip at a time. 

One day we'll be old, and all this will have been nothing but an ugly part of the past. But until then, all there is left to do is to actually curl up and let the wave past, and hope to make it out alive and sane.

Unemployed, and then some.

Four years ago, before any of this employment dilemma is even close enough for fingertips, i was no one but a contented happy student, who felt lucky enough to have surpassed the dread of high school stereotypes and emotional bullying, feeling all the luck on my side as i surprisingly found college a heck of a lot easier than all lower levels passed.

I was happy as i was, with a new chance to redeem my so-called "reputation" to a clean slate.

Looking back now to all the surreal bliss, i find myself once again faced with the square wall of a dead end, as i actually await with excruciating slowness, for some redeeming employer to take pity on my wrath and self loathing on endless boredom.

I can't imagine what it would be like to actually have a job as it seems it would never come. But when i do, i am fairly certain it will have its hay days, and the usual lows. Nevertheless, and irregardless of the probable challenges, i would gladly take that any day, over this intense boredom of the mind, and envy of peers, who have already gotten their luck earlier than i have.